(no subject)

[aleathiel]

UH. I've hit the wall. Academic meltdown.

For the first time in my life I'm approaching exams I don't know if I can pass. And that's not a good feeling.
don't feel you have to read this. I just need to say it



I'll be honest, I know I'm smart. I'm normally a modest person but I'm fucking proud of what I've achieved. I got ten A* and an A (in art!) at GCSE and four A at AS and three A at Alevel. And that was an A in every single module. You can't get better than that.

I got into Cambridge - arguably the best university in the country and certainly one of the best in the world. Not only did I get in, but they usually only accept 7 or 8 on this course. In my year they fought to have ten of us. And I'm proud they wanted me that much.

I expected the first term to be the hardest. I knew the work would be hard and was prepared to deal with it. I knew I was going to move from being easily the best to mediocre intellectually. I knew I was coming from a comprehensive in the back end of nowhere and mixing with kids from Eton and Harrow. And yet none of it was a problem.

So there's the good stuff. I now have exams in two weeks. For the first time ever I'm faced with going into an exam without knowing everything. However hard I work it won't be enough. I can hope to know enough to pass, but that's it. I've never had to strive just to pass before.

It's kinda weird. Feels like I've lost my balance and there's suddenly nothing left to hold on to.

Comments

[oliviaramirez]

I know you work hard. I know you're pretty damn intelligent but sometimes it just isn't enough. Do the best you can, noone can expect more *hugs*

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I guess that's what I needed to hear! And I will do my best. But I've realised - and this was from my mother, who is an academic - that sometimes I have to make a decision. I'll work as hard as I'm willing but I won't kill myself over it. I want to pass, but I don't need a first class degree. No one will look at a degree from Camb and tell me that they'd have excepted me with a first class but not a second class. And there are things that are more important than my degree. Like my health and my sanity.

And I think it's you guys that keep me sane.

[oliviaramirez]

I am glad to hear that your attitude is so sensible. I wouldn't want you to work yourself to death (in a manner of speaking) over this. Not only are you intelligent, you're also sensible. I think you'll do fine, I really do.

[m-l-h.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, I really do. I went from one of the best schools in my city to the best university in my country. I did well at GCSEs and A Levels. I had very high aspirations for myself, thought I'd do wonderfully well. But I haven't. I've been a lazy bitch and am struggling to pass this year.

If I'm correct, first year doesn't actually go towards your final mark. Make sure you pass all your modules first, before trying to get 100% in everything. It's more important that you pass them all, than do well in a couple, and fail the others. *hugs*

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's nice to know that there are other people who went through this!
It doesn't go towards my final degree, but I have to pass to stay on the course. That's all I'm aiming for right now. And you're right, I have to pace myself.

I hope that you do well.

[m-l-h.livejournal.com]

You're smart, once you pass these exams, prepare yourself for next year. You know what mistakes you've made this year, so try not to repeat them again next year, and you'll feel much better. Voice Of Experience. Except that I didn't learn from my mistakes! lol Which is why I've two resists (so far) this year! Get your head into your books and go for it. *cheers u on*

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Thank you oh Voice Of Experience. I will. In fact, I'll d/c now and go to work...*sigh*

[m-l-h.livejournal.com]

*proud*

[undrockroll.livejournal.com]

oh sweetpea, you're going to be just fine. just the fact that you are aware of how "unprepared" you feel is a sign that you really aren't *that* bad off :) you're obviously incredibley intelligent and level headed

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

:) Yeah I suppose realising that there's tons I don't know is better than not having even noticed that! I just had a bit of an "aaaaaaaargh" this morning. Followed by a typical "I just can't do this!". It's all looking more in perspective now.

[abluegirl.livejournal.com]

Welcome to university ;)

The situation you are describing is what i went through when i was in first year. In high school, i got straight A's, and had one of the highest graduating averages in my class. I was smart, and a knew it - not that i was egotistical about it, but that's just the way things were.

I got into the best school in the country - and promptly had a reality check. I no longer felt as smart. I no longer felt as though i knew everything. And i found that i actually had to work to get good grades, which is something i wasn't used to doing.

Don't worry though - university will get better. First year is always rough - especially for 'smart kids' who previously had it easy. You will adapt, and by the end of university, you will once again be comfortable and happy with your academic acheivements. :D

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I knew it was going to be different. And I genuinely have no problem with not being the best - in fact I love that there are so many people who know so much and I can have such fascinating conversations about things I've never even thought about.
I guess at a personal level I expected to hit the wall sooner and so thought I would be okay when I got this far. Now it's more a personal fear. In the last hour or so I've sorted myself out and put it all in perspective. feeling a lot more positive. Thanks.

[cfeng.livejournal.com]

*hug* I know you're good enough. Just don't let your worries interfere with your work, and you'll be fine.

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

I know. I'm fine now. Was just having an angry-crisis moment.

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Also. What are you doing online? When do you get back?

[dd2-edge.livejournal.com]

Don't push yourself too hard, dear.

Just try your best and relax. I know it doesn't sound cool to worry about exams, but why not turn it into a postive driving force and accept it (w/o hard feelings) as a common natural thing that ppl have to study hard to get a pass? And at the end of the day, it's what you've learnt that matters, right?

...:

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

absolutely. I'll work hard and make the most of the chance. I can't do better than that. Thanks.

[anjali-organna.livejournal.com]

A little belated, but *hugs* I know it all feels overwhelming, but at the end of the day, all you can be content with is knowing you did your best. < /triteness >

School is hard. That's why it's school. We wouldn't bother with it if it were easy. Also, congrats on your academic achievements! You have a right to be proud.

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

thanks *hugs*

[lennongirl.livejournal.com]

Late, but still: I keep my fingers crossed for you. Just make sure you don't work too hard, as this probably won't help. Get enough time to relax :)

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Yup, I know. Relaxation is what the fandom is for!

[lennongirl.livejournal.com]

That's what it should be for, yeah. But things are looking up, and with so much love around, you can't help but enjoy it :)

[mithlondewen.livejournal.com]

do the best you can. study as much as you normally do, do everything the way you normally would. i'm sure you'll do fine, it's just a bit of stress getting to you. and if by some strange stroke of bad luck you don't do fine, it's just one time *hugs*

[aleathiel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It just all got to me, I've put it in perspective now. *hugs*